Have you ever wondered what's its like to just grab steering wheel of your vehicle, slam the gas pedal, and just drive screaming, balls in hand, straight into the nearest pregnant woman in your vicinity?
Wait...
You have? Wow really? Your pretty sick, dude.
Well, your sick fetishes aside, I unfortunately got a first hand experience of this sensation.
See I was driving around, just a normal day. Just a guy, his stuffed Stitch-plushie, 6 pack of what I think was red bull (I don't read labels, for all I know it could have been dishwasher fluid) just driving for kicks. After I receiving my kicks in the rib cage by a bunch of bikers, I was out looking medical attention. However, I was so distracted by my internal trauma I must have missed the red light in my lane, because before I knew it, man, babies and kittens were flying everywhere!
Actual photo of my wreck
SMASH! BAM! SLABOOM! GLORG!
(Note: these are not the sounds my actual car made when crashing head first into a vehicle, but those were boring so I thought I'd spice it up)
I awoke. My senses returning, buried under orange glow of burning metal, strength building almost hulk-like, I heaved at the molten metal flaming above me. With a single thrust I sent the amorphous blob of metallic goo that was not so long ago my car screeching into the building next door, killing countless lives many of whom were probably children. But that wasn't important. What was important, was the kitten stranded in the car I crashed into.
As I surveyed my surroundings I saw the unfolding of the damage that had been wrought. Cars and people melting into one another from the intense flames. The ground giving way becoming ever so quickly a pit of tar. I had to move quickly to save that kitty! Great Greek Chosen Dogs, the pain was excruciating. With each step, I sunk lower and lower into the pit of damnation, not resting until I had that kitten in hand.
Finally I arrived, and with biceps rippling, I freed the door from the frame of the car. Grabbing the kitten I noticed that the woman driving the car was still alive. "This is my only chance" I said!
I grabbed the woman, tore her in half and used both halves as sort of protective stockings on my feet. This made traversing the molten sludge much easier.
You may think this is where the story ends but sadly the epic tale has just begun. With every step towards what I thought would surely be safe land, I realized that there was no hope. The devastation was continuing, onward, always moving. But I couldn't quit! The kitten's life depended upon me! So I continued, bearing the pain as any many with a kitten should.
Soon I began to hunger, and having just eaten the cat five minutes ago, this proved to not be an idealistic situation. I probably should have rationed the pieces of the kitten as opposed to just snarfing it down in one bite, but hindsight 20/20.
Eventually rescue helicopters arrived, and pulled me from the tar. Oh man I was so hungry, and then I blacked out.
When I awoke, must had eaten the crew, because I kept finding bits and pieces of what I think were helmets, but I'm not sure.
Eventually I returned home (luckily I must have eaten the crew at the right time, because I crashed into the living room) and so now I am alright.
But I think the moral of this story kids is very simple.
If your going to be an idiot and drive straight into traffic, at least catch it on tape. That way youtube can enjoy your stupidity as well. (Note: If you could somehow set your car on fire BEFOREHAND, that'd be awesome)
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