SARAH VOWELL

My experience at the Sarah Vowell Lecture was one I shall never forget. Mainly because I am forever entranced by the sheer magic tenacity that is bacon covered crabs.

You see the evening started mundane enough, listening to the sounds of my head as I nervously slam it on the window like that one guy in Jacob's Ladder. A totally bacon-less evening. As the blood formed appealing shapes of butterflies I began to realize that maybe the medication I was on wasn't top notch. But I bought it from Canada and that's to be expected. I would say that I suspect it is made from waffles, but I don't want to offend my Canadian brothers.

But then I heard that Sarah Vowell would be lecturing for free at my college campus. At first it sounded like a stupid thing, but then I realized they said "free" and me being broke, sad, desperate, and lonely, thought "Hey, free means no money!". While normally lectures hold all the appeal of rotted lemon, going to a free lecture is obviously less expensive than my normal weeknight ritual. (A tub of vodka and Tequila, a hooker soaking said tub, and a box of matches. Man those hookers never see it coming)

As I arrived, burnt hooker corpse at hand, I accidentally managed to run into Sarah Vowell. You know I've never been that close to a celebrity before. I mean sure, Sarah Vowell is about as much of a celebrity in the sense that at least one other person I know knows of her existence, but still, she's far more known than I'll ever be, particularly among well educated types. And while I didn't necessarily run into her so much as I just happened to be in the wrong area and her assistant corrected, I felt a connection that every creepy weirdo has felt when even within a 500 foot radius of famounessity (the measurement of fame).

So anyways, the lecture began and it was good and all, she said some clever things about pilgrims and such, but the fun only just began. Right after the lecture, the crowd all mushed like sheep to the after-lecture book signing. They call it that, but it really should have just been called "Free Lunch" and boy was it awesome!

Now this entire evening would have simply been a "celebrity" sighting and free food type of blog post. But no. The most magical and wonderful thing to ever happen in my life was just about to occur. For while I was waiting in line between to incredibly obese people, it was there I was blessed with meeting the most heavenly thing on earth.

Bacon. Covered. Crabmeat.

I'll repeat it for those who may have missed it the first time

BACON. COVERED. CRABMEAT.

Once more with even MOAR unneeded punctuation.

B.A#O!N, C'O)V$E@R.E/D C?R%A&"B}M[E\A*T!!!!!1!!ONE

My friends there is a God. And he created Bacon Covered Crabmeat.

You know this post probably should have just been called Bacon Covered Crabmeat... But I don't think anyone would have read this then.

Not that anyone is reading it now.

If you wish to learn more about Sarah Vowell please check out her website:

http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,191,151190-253203,00.html

And once more:

Behold the second coming.